A Tale Of Two Bluffs

          “Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a princess. She was not only beautiful but was also a woman of wit. She rode horses and fought with swords. She argued with words and conquered with her mind. She stood tall in a man’s world. Being the kind of woman she was, she made a lot of enemies. One of them was a sorcerer who had been outsmarted by the princess at court. In order to seek revenge, he put a curse on her that would turn her intended, the handsome prince into a frog, the moment she kissed him. Now like most of the men around her, the prince happened to be a sexist, patriarchal, self-centred jackass. So on her wedding night, she kissed the prince. The sorcerer’s curse did its job and the prince turned into an ugly croaking frog. She gathered her belongings and ran off into the night, free to live her own life. In her excitement, she ran off of a cliff, but no sooner had she fallen, than she discovered that she was flying. She had wings. She never looked back again.”

          Within the next couple of seconds, Veera realised that she was lying on something soft and comfortable, not flying off of cliffs. She opened her bleary eyes when the cat, all seven pounds of squirming flesh, climbed onto her belly. Squinting into the sunlight streaming in from the open window, she discovered that she was now the weary possessor of a pounding headache, and at some point, had managed to lose both a tooth and a spouse. A fake tooth and a real spouse, to be precise. Is that why the dream was so weird? A sudden shooting pain behind her upper lip made her realise that it was actually the other way round. She had managed to lose a real tooth and a fake spouse, to be precisely precise. It had been a good dream though. The ending had felt like what she assumed bungee jumping would feel like – liberating, in a sense. Although right now, it was hard to think straight with the constant buzzing in her head which, twenty seconds later she realised, was not actually in her head. It was her cell phone ringing somewhere nearby. By the time she fished it out of the glorious mess that was her bed, it had already stopped ringing.

          She quickly stood up and then sat back down on the bed, the head rush making her dizzy. When the giddy feeling had passed, she unlocked her cell phone to see who had called. It was Akash. It was his fifth missed call. It’s just the tooth then, not the spouse. She couldn’t remember how she came back home after the hideousness of the weekend. May be Akash could help. He was with her when she left the party. She called him back and asked him to come to her place. Hanging up the call, she strained her memory to remember whatever she could.

          It started two weeks ago. Veera worked at a renowned publishing house. Her office had organised a weekend summer retreat for all the employees in Goa. It was a weekend getaway where everyone was supposed to bring along their spouses. Mr. Kulkarni, her boss had told the staff about a new project. A famous mystery writer was coming out with a new novel and this one too was going to be published by their publishing house. The editor for the project would be declared at the retreat.

          As it turned out, only married people were eligible for the post. According to Mr. Kulkarni, it was too big a responsibility to be given to bachelors, especially since they could quit the company any time for better prospects, once they’d had their big break. Married people, on the other hand, tended to stick to their job. It was irrational, but Mr. K - that’s what he made his staff call him - was the boss, after all. Veera had been working in the company for five years now, doing on the same old stuff, with no real decision making powers. She was talented, she had a way with words and she believed she deserved a promotion. She wanted to be an editor, which was why she had joined the publishing house in the first place.

          But most of all, she was tired of answering to her superiors, especially Mr. Kulkarni. He was a real pain. A short, fat, balding man in his late fifties, he would go on and on about himself and his achievements in life. He would constantly tell people how he was a brilliant kid back in school and college, how he topped every exam he ever gave and how every publishing company wanted to hire him even though he was fresh out of college. He would go on about how he had always been the most outstanding employee and a favourite of his superiors. Everybody knew his stories by heart, because he had told each story at least a million times. Every story ended with “I hope you do half as well in your life as I have done in mine. At least you have one advantage over me – you have the best boss!” and he would laugh at his own joke. All through this, he never had a single word of praise for his employees. People still faked a laugh every time he cracked a stupid joke because they were too concerned about losing their jobs to the whims of their boss.

          For the next two weeks, the office was abuzz with plans for the retreat. Everyone talked about how great it was going to be. Veera, however, was upset. She had already made great progress in her current position. She had even received praise from the board of directors for meeting all her deadlines, which no other employee had been able to do so far. And now, when a great opportunity had finally presented itself to her, the pompous brat Mr. K had managed to ruin it by imposing his stupid condition on the staff. Veera was single. An ambitious, career-driven woman like her was going to lose out on a great professional prospect because of her personal life. So she stayed away from the excitement and kept herself busy.

          Two days before the retreat, as Veera was sitting in her own cubicle, having lunch alone, Mrs. Nandini Patel a.k.a. Gossip Aunty from the adjacent cubicle, poked her head in.

          “Alone, again? You can join us for lunch, you know?” she said, in an overly sweet voice.

          “Thanks Nandini, but I need some space from the grand retreat. It’s driving me crazy. I really need to preserve my sanity”, Veera replied.

          “Oh, come on! It’s going to be super duper fun!” she almost squealed. “Anurag, my hubby you know, said he would totally love to come and meet all my AM-AZING colleagues. Mr. K is going to be so thrilled! It gonna be a bulllll-lllaaaasssttttt!!!!”

          Veera mentally rolled her eyes and managed to fake a smile. “Yeah, I’m sure it is.”

          “So what’s your plan baby doll?” Nandini asked.

          “Yeah, well, I’m not going. Although I’m sure my rich and handsome husband would have loved to come but you know he’s such a busy man, doing all sorts of really important stuff like saving the world and not existing.”

           Silly as she was, Nandini might have caught the sarcasm in her tone because all she said was, “Oh.” And she left.

          However, Veera in that instant had no idea just how far Nandini’s silliness extended because within the next hour or so, a new discussion had replaced the discussion of the weekend. It took some time for Veera to realise that it was about her. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, except for rumours and gossip, and Veera would soon discover just how fast. An hour before the working hours ended, Veera found herself summoned to Mr. K’s office.

          “Good evening, Ms. Patil. Or should I say Mrs.? Veera, my dear, you have been a sneaky little thing, haven’t you?”

          “I’m sorry, Sir?”

          “Well, don’t be. Of course, I’m not allowed to tell you this, but you’ve made matters quite simple for me. The board of directors wanted you as the new editor. But you were single, so I thought you weren’t ready to handle such a big responsibility. So I persuaded them to change their mind and appoint someone else. But now that we know that you’re married, there is no problem. Just bring that husband of yours to the retreat. Convince him yourself or I’ll call him personally to ask him about how he remained so well hidden all this time.”

          “My... My HUSBAND?” Veera stuttered, dumbstruck.

          “Of course, your husband. Nandini told us everything. She said you told her that your husband is rich and handsome and is too busy saving the world to find time for the weekend. I don’t get why you had to be so sneaky about him. If I were in your place, I would have jumped at the opportunity. In fact, once when I was working as a....” and Mr. K launched into one of usual stories about himself.

          Veera had no way to stop him in the middle of his smug, self-centred tale, to tell him that she had no husband and that Nandini had either misheard what she’d said or wasn’t paying enough attention to hear out her entire sentence. Oh, stupid, stupid Nandini. There was a reason they had nicknamed her Gossip Aunty. As Veera walked out of that office, her mind was on a rollercoaster. Since Nandini was involved, the whole office knew by now. If Veera tried to put things straight, she might end up making matters worse, courtesy of Mr. K. She had found unexpected favour with him and telling him the truth would not only end that but would probably also affect her future promotion prospects. The only thing that would be more humiliating than not attending the retreat was attending it alone, without her non-existent spouse.

          When she came back home, Veera forced herself to think of a possible solution. Backing out was not an option, as wasn’t going alone. She had to bring a husband. How was she going to find a guy, fall in love with him, get him to fall in love with her and get married to him – all within a span of two days? Wait, unless she didn’t bring a real husband. It was just the matter of a weekend, and after she got promoted, she could simply tell her boss that they had broken up. She could pay someone to be her fake husband. But her boss would ask him all sorts of personal questions which if he didn’t answer correctly, would appear really suspicious. Well then, she had to take the help of someone who knew her well. And suddenly, she had the answer. Akash. He was her high school friend. Akash liked her and had asked her out, a couple of times, but Veera had told him she just wanted to be friends. And he fit the profile too – rich, handsome, busy saving the world as an environmental lawyer.

          So Veera called him and told him the situation.

          “I’ll be indebted to you if you could do this one thing for me. Please just come with me and pretend to be my husband for one weekend.”

          “Are you sure about this? We’ll be lying about a huge thing, Veera. But assuming that I agree to help, what’s in it for me?”

          “In return for your help, you get a date. With me. Day and place, your choice.”

          “Huh? A date?”

          “Funny you don't know what a date is, since you've been asking me out on one since quite some time now.”

          “So all I had to do was be your fake husband for a weekend? Man, why didn't I think of that sooner!”

          She smiled. “So what do you say? Will you come?”

          “Ok, if it's that important to you, I'll go with you.”

          Two days later, when they reached the retreat, it was almost like an ambush. “It’s show time, baby”, Akash whispered to Veera as all her colleagues gathered around to meet the new secret husband, while Nandini kept telling everyone that it was she who had discovered the big secret. Veera felt oddly proud as Akash handled the scene like a pro. He even managed to make all the small talk work. When he spoke about Veera, how he’d met her and how amazing she was, everyone was convinced that he was head-over-heels in love with his wife. He even won over Mr. K, who was all praise for Veera’s husband. Veera on the other hand, found it easy enough to play the blushing wife, since that helped her stay out of the way of more questions.

          After dinner, it was time to announce the new editor and Veera couldn’t keep still. She was practically jumping up and down with excitement. This was the moment she had been waiting for. She had slogged for five years, doing stuff she was overqualified for and now, this was her moment. The wait was finally over. The voice of the host blared over the speakers.

          “Our new editor is none other than... our own Mr. Suhas Kulkarni! Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen. And assisting him as juniors will be Ms. Patil along with Mr. Sharma. Congratulations, Sir!”

          Veera’s mind went blank for a while. And then it filled with white hot fury. That foul little monkey had played a foul little game with her. How dare he? He tricked her into bringing her husband by offering to make her editor, only to let her make a fool of herself because he knew how badly she wanted the position of editor. She stormed out of the place, with Akash following her. That’s the last thing she remembered.

          The doorbell rang. Veera got up, much steadier now and opened the door. It was Akash. When the general pleasantries were out of the way, Veera came to the point and asked him about last night’s events. Veera listened in stunned silence as Akash gave her the entire picture.

          “So, let me get this straight. Last night, I was so furious that I got completely drunk, even though I never drink. And you’re telling me that after we left the party, I made you take me to the beach where I paid a prostitute only to hang around the beach with her, after which, we rescued a cat from a bunch of goons and I got into a scuffle with them, getting a tooth knocked out in the process. Is that what you’re saying?”

          “Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I tried to stop you, pull you back, even carry you away, but you just wouldn’t listen to me. Anyway they left you alone after you told them that you’re a cop. This is how you threatened them, “Listen to me, jackass. If you don’t get the hell out of here right now, this will be the last happy evening of your life. Tomorrow, I will hunt you down and bust your ass. Do you understand?” That was by far the best fake drunk cop performance I’ve ever seen in my life. Anyway, I got us out of there, and this morning we flew back from Goa.”

          “Wait, I still can’t believe it. I did all of that? I, Veera – the literature nerd? Well, that just puts the whole thing in perspective, doesn’t it? I thought hard work and dedication would be enough to get me what I want in life. Clearly it’s not. But I know what will work. Wait here, I’ll see you in a bit.” Veera took a quick shower and drove off to her office.

          She went directly to Mr. K’s cabin. When he saw her, he said with a smug look and a wicked smile, “Look Veera, the board of directors decided it would be better to let a senior employee handle the project, given how big the author is. I tried to convince them, but they did not budge. I’m sorry dear, but it’s nothing personal.”

          She knew what to do. “Listen to me, jackass”, she said, “You think you’re too smart, double crossing me like that? Guess what, I’ve got an offer for you too. I met an old buddy of yours last week. He seemed a bit too eager to talk about you. More like complain about you. And I must say, I learned a great deal about you, a lot more than you would want me to. I’ve got stuff on you that will destroy you in seconds. So unless you want me to bust your ass and tell everyone the fraud that you really are, I suggest you step down and give others a chance. As for me, I resign. As for you, remember, I’ll be watching.” And she walked out of there.

          When she came back home, she found Akash waiting for her.

          “What did you do?”

          “A bit of acting. Didn’t you tell me I was good? I just used it to my advantage.” She hadn’t met any friend of Mr. K. But from the way he had treated her, she knew he had to have done it before and worse. The look on his face today, after she threatened to expose him, was enough to confirm that her little trick would work.

          “I’ll take you up on that date now, assuming you’re still up for it.”

          As Akash looked at her in wonder, she realised that her dream wasn’t weird at all. Quitting something she didn't love had given her the freedom of making her own choices. She had just kissed the prince and turned him into a frog. She had jumped off the cliff and found her wings. The dream had never made more sense.

- Gayatri Shejwal